Here we go again. This instalment will see two teams, in the Shedders and the skin between the bollocks and asshole, who are desperate for early points battle it out. Its a fierce rivalry that borders on serious levels of flirtation regularly.

Salamanders vs Gooch United

giant-salamander     keep-calm-and-lick-my-g



Andy has been very lucky with Jakupovic who has racked up more points than any of us could have imaged (currently the Salamanders joint top point scorer). The arrival of Marshall could provide a selection headache for the Salamanders but Jakky should keep his spot for this week. This week he faces a Burnley squad who have failed to score in 2/3 of their first games.

Defence is clearly the strongest aspect of Andy’s team and a back 4 of Lovren, Dann, Bailly and Zaba would usually provide a decent return. The manchester derby doesn’t help this week and Liverpool Leicester is anyones guess with both teams being fairly hard to judge so far. Dann looks most likely to provide CS points this week against a Middlesborough side that will struggle this season.

Midfield onwards is where the problems start for Slab. Xhaka is likely to get more YC’s than G’s or A’s this season. Success and Ramadan seem like unnecessary gambles considering the state of the midfield/ attack and how the FA looked at the time. Both players seem pretty far away from breaking into their starting lineups but maybe Andy has a man on the inside? £95 million for another midfielder when the Salamanders are struggling to find a starting striker is also baffling but Salv must be enjoying his kool-aid. Taking the price out of the equation Boufal is a small step in the right direction and could turn out to be a fairly productive player. Finally We all know what KDB and Alli can do but the latter may struggle for gametime if Pochettino decides he’d like to fit Janssen into the squad.

Things go from bad to worse up front for the Shedders. With Carroll injured, Austin clearly not favoured and questions marks over HRK’s role at West Brom this is a potential nightmare for Salv. I’ve gone with starting two as I believe 2nd half cameos for HRK and Austin seem more likely point opportunities than playing Ramadan as an extra midfielder.



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Cech is a world class keeper and is bound to be up there this season with CS’s once Mustafi settles. I’m not confident a CS is coming his way this week but patience will pay off for GG.

Like the Shredders defence is a strong spot for the SBBA’s. Like Cech, Koscielny will pay off. McCauley is on outrageous form and a key member of a defensive WBA lineup. If Matip can keep his spot at Liverpool he’s bound to bring the CS’ in as well. Terry is always a solid player and regardless of Luiz’s Chelsea arrival looks set to continue at the back for a strong looking Chelski squad.

Midfield is an interesting spot for GU. Antonio is on good form and looks likely to be their main points outlet. Milner having to play LB is frustrating but being on pen duty might be worth a gamble when needed. Allen will be doing a lot of the dirt work at Stoke and unfortunately won’t be a super high scorer this week and may have to be relied up as a 2 pnter each week. Gooch went large on Sissoko this deadline day and hopefully his confidence will pay off. Unfortunately I’m not so sure he’ll make an instant impact and may have to make do with his chances to earn a starting spot at White Hart Lane. Mkhi looked class during his last game but a recent injury must be incredibly frustrating for Graeme. Luckily Sane looks to be making his way back to full fitness and will be ready to start competing for a starting spot for City soon. Due to these facts I can only see a starting midfiled 4 of Milner, Allen, Antonio and Sissoko being most effective this week.

Gambling on Ians Nachos will pay off this week for Gooch. Aguero has been a very naughty boy and this is time for Ian to shine. I think he will relish a chance at a Manchester derby and can see him pinching a goal this weekend. Janssen looks on the edge of breaking into the spurs team but really needs to take advantage of his chances. Until then I’d go with Bera who’s more likely to start. Personally I think he’s an overrated player but a game against Bournemouth this weekend could give him an opportunity to prove me wrong.



Okey and now for the rest of the weeks predictions. These are going to be alot hastier as I’m off to the cinema with Garth to see sausage fest.

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Garth isn’t a huge fan of 3D. It makes his eyes go funny.


Pepperami Barmy Army vs Leweys Legends









PBA: Aguero ban forces PBA to play 1 up top. Wilson yet to score and playing a solid WBA defence. Bridle/Debro combo rely on midfield points for advantage. Azpi looks set for a CS in what seems like a tough week for PBA otherwise.

LL: Midfield crisis for legends sees team not able to start a full 11. With no definitive starter options to sit up top next to Negredo, Rashford on current form seems to be the best bet for a cameo goal.

Predicted score: PBA  28 Vs 27 LL

Ultimately Larrys lack of ability to field a full 11 comes back to bight him.


REAL SOSOBAD vs CHRIS TALLING (???!!!)screen-shot-2016-09-08-at-20-52-11











Real Sosobad: Rees has put together his best squad to date. Unfortunately he hasn’t managed to put old habits to bed and still continues to make awful management decisions. Accepting responsibility will be his first step towards rehabilitation. If Squirtle can sort his head there is minimal chance of this squad finishing last. This week I believe a gamble on Giroud is worthy. Sunderland face an Everton team who’ve looked to push on under Koeman and Giroud looks the current Arsenal starter. It’s anyones guess what Perez can do at PL level. Rondon at Bournemouth being another worthy starter. He’ll be looking to keep HRK out of the squad and what better way to do this than a performance this weekend. Other than that I like this band of starting midfielders. Fernandinho seems like a redundant pick up but having a 2/3 on your bench isn’t something to frown upon.

Chris Talling (!!!???): Not a difficult squad to pick with all subs out injured. Remys injury is a big blow to the squad. I think relying on two Leicester cb’s will come back to haunt Chris. They will struggle with balancing CL football and attempting to retain they’re title. A middle table finish will render these two as bang average choices. Luiz may prove to be a class pick up but I’m not convinced he’ll walk straight into the team. He didn’t prove too many critics wrong in France and currently seems more like a pr stunt than a genuine world class player. The CT management team will be hoping he can make a difference at Chelsea and quickly. An outrageous midfield topped off with Lukaku is a fear for any manager facing this abnormally named team.

RS 38 VS 37 CT(??!!)





Hello again! Having read part 1 so speedily I gave the duties of part 2 match selection to Mr Monster Cock lover himself Danny MC Bridle. Selflessly choosing two games that don’t involve the PBA.

Therefore the Arun Hall Lover of the week award goes to Daniel Bridle well done mate.

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Daniel Bridle – Lover of the week and all round MC enthusiast


His first selection is part of this weeks incorrectly named Soggy Sunday:


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A decent team for selection by Pandas boss Bogroll. The steal of Bony offers some absolute boners up-top and recent pick ups of Chadli and Janny supply the Pandas with some much needed attacking players.

De Gea in goals would usually be a bang tidy selection but unfortunately facing Man City this week I can’t see either team keeping a CS. Saying that I can’t criticise having De Gea in the squad as the majority of managers would snap him up, or in bonds case pay 50 million for a player of his standard (arguably less).

On paper the defence look fairly average and Rose facing Bony is a bit of a nightmare (more on the Bony situation later). I fancy 2 CS from either Coleman, Masuaku & Galloway. So I can see a pretty decent week from this defence.

Midfield is a strong position for the Pandas. Chadli and Janny were exciting additions along side Wij and Willian. Janny and Chadlie will suffer by being in poor Sunderland & West Brom squads but should still rack up a decent amount of points between them. Question marks lay over Wij and Willian who could both end up playing deeper than Borrill would have hoped, Wij not being afforded the luxury of advancing due to bigger talent ahead & the worry of a wing back role being question towards Willian.

Tommy Dick Fingers has managed to build himself one of the best attacking forces in the league. He gambled on all three of his strikers and they look like they’ll all pay off. With the issue of not being able to play three strikers Borrill has a nice headache. Costa against Swansea has to start but the question is will Bony? If so I fancy Bony’s point potential against Spurs over Rooneys against City.


Pandas manager Tommy Dick Fingers does his panda impression to inspire the players each week.



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Its week 4 and the Athletic are the only team left unbeaten in what is building itself up to be the most competitive fantrax season to date. Purs will be hoping to keep this record maintained but faces stiff competition in the Pandas.

Between the sticks Owen has a fairly average low middle table keeper (I’m one to talk) in Foster. He’ll be hoping Pulis stays at West Brom and continues to maintain his highly spoken of defensive system.

At the back I feel Pervs should go with, mainly due to his problems up top, 4 this week. Janmaat seemed like a good pick up and will hopefully start to build something a little more solid for Watford.  Ivanovic is virtually a guaranteed CS this week and I wouldn’t be surprised with another from West Ham/Palace CS.

Like the Pandas there is a wealth in midfield for Athletic. All 5 starters offer goals galore and it’s not his lack of ability but more game time that lets Pedro down.   I fancy Sanchez to do something at home to Southampton, Mirallas at Sunderland and with Palace’s new striking force a big fat A could be on the cards for Andy.

The striking position is clearly an issue for Pervs and I commend his attempts at trying to resolve this by bringing in Slimani. It seems unlikely he’ll start this week and no one can say really what he can bring to the league. Bamford is a worthy gamble but will probably struggle for game time again this season. Sturridge is clearly not favoured by Klopp with Origi looking like he could be further up the pecking order will Purs two year commitment to the player ever pay off?

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Cool dude Pervy is currently the leagues most successful manager. This guy^!?














Monochrome Bears 41 Vs 40 Ozone Pathetic

“The smaller the free agency, the greater the happiness in winning” Pele discusses fantrax March 2015

Pele – fantrax winner 1962 (lesser known footballer)





Good day to all fantraxer’s and welcome to the first instalment of Gaffs Sour Grapevine.

This week I will be presenting an insightful look into all matchups for Week 4.

It’s the week of the bad vs the tall, the tubby vs the athletic, the skin shedders vs the skin between your bollocks and your asshole &  the Birdside Derby.

Only time will tell the outcomes but I’m going to do my best in the following article to predict my lineups and outcomes as well as some all round commenting on teams, players and the specimen that decide how they shape up.

Anything can happen if you are willing to put in the work and remain open to the possibility. Dreams are realised by effort, determination, passion and staying connected to the free  agency and who you are. – Michael Jordan discussing Fantrax Sept 2016

Michael found it hard to take a loss but everyone loses in Fantrax. Chin up.


oldlemon                hh


Minimal trouble picking a lineup here as strength in depth is a real problem for the Mels. Other than his bumboy GK hogging rotation system and the mouthwatering problem of which DM to play (Etien or Danny?) I can’t see either of Clemo’s other subs getting alot of game time this season (barring injuries).

Saying that, the strength of his starting back four is a real concern for anyone playing him. Bellerin will be one of the top scoring defenders this season and Blind is currently keeping Smalling out of the Untd 11 which has turned out to be a real coup for Clemo. Question is will Williams and Musty play this week? I believe so and can only see a clean sheet coming from big Ash.

Other than Capoue (who’s scored his 2 goals for the season) his front three midfielders offer alot of point potentials .

Unfortunately the biggest weekness of the 11 seems to come up top.  Llorente is yet to hit form and has Borja nipping at his toes and Stuanis previous season stats have caused people to question his consistency. Can we expect much more from these guys or are they short term resolutions that’ll cause headaches further down the line?

The Hammerheads

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The heads have built a bang average consistent squad which will do Hamlin well this season. Consistency should see them straight to an upper mid table finish which is something not to complain about in such a competitive league.

His defence has points in it with the attacking likes of the Betrand Clyne combo. If Kone can sort his attitude and pull  his moonhead back out there are 3-4 goals in him aswell. Long term Daniels may be an issue as the heads don’t have backup and competition for places in the Bournemouth back 4 is high.

Midfield is looking decent but with a game against a solid Untd defence this week for two of his midfielders points may be hard to come by. This isn’t helped by a poor swans team facing a very competitive Chelsea squad.

Gray has looked good so far this season and should continue to if he can avoid a ban for being an all out homophobic fueled bacteria. I also think Zaza may suprise a few this season and fancy him for a goal against a Watford side who haven’t managed to keep a goal out yet this season.


LEMS  27 –  36 HEADS

Next we preview the Birdside derby. Allstars vs Penguins. No idea why bond has a fucking bird on his logo but this has essentially created a derby for dramatic purpose.


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Bobbond Allstars

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With no points on the Board Dizzle will be looking to turn his luck around against the Penguins. He decided to do this by spending 50 million on Claudio Bravo.

50 fucking million on a goalkeeper

Now don’t get me wrong Bravo is a great pick up but 50 million seems extortionate. Unfortunately Bravo starts his first game against a strong looking Untd at Old Trafford. A CS doesn’t seem like a likely option this week but I’m sure they will come-a-plenty.

Lack of clean sheets and a strength further up the pitch starting will most likely push Bond to start a back three of Baines, Delaney/Soure and Monreal. I expect either Baines or Delaney/Soure to keep a CS (if not both).

A decent selection of attacking midfielders will more than likely convince bond to go with 5 in midfield. I’m convinced he’ll start Hendo even with a tough game away at leicester and a second Palace defender/ Man City defender ready to step up.

On paper Bonds attacking two look a class act, and they are. Kane having to switch between 9/10 consistently has been unfortunate for him but I’m convinced Harry Borrill will pay off eventually for him. Deeney proved himself worthy of premier league status last year but could he suffer from a bit of second season syndorme? Dizzle will be hoping not.


The Groovy Penguins

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A strange team to pick a lineup from. An injured Cresswell hogs a spot along with an out of favour Zaha (who thinks he plays for Spurs), Gradel who break into the Bournemouth team and unlucky Bats (who I’m convinced will force his way into the squad).

With Zaha and Gradel not looking like they’ll play I think a back four is the best route for Dicky to go. Targett and Pieters face tough opponents in Arsenal and Spurs so CS’s don’t look likely to come from those two. Dick will be hoping Bony doesn’t hit the ground running and spurs can keep a CS. Whilst Boro v West Brom has bore draw written all over it. I have a feeling he’ll get a CS from wither Spurs or Boro.

The trio of Mane, Payet and Walcott is clearly an exciting prospect. Walcotts is playing a Southampton defence that has struggled to build on last season, Payet plays a very uninspiring Watford team who look to have brought in far too many players (I’d be surprised if they all know each others names) & Mane is looking a class act this season. I fancy him for a big A against the champs.

How Barrow is on the system a striker is beyond me? Swansea have looked poor so far this season and I can’t see Barrow getting many goal opportunities. Dick may have to settle with a trickle of A’s from this man. Vardy is bound to get goals this season but wether he can continue last seasons form is anyones guess? Unfortunately my guess is nagado.


Predicted score

What is this Bird Bollocks 28- 37 Fluffy loveable not airborn Birds

I’m gunna eat some dinner and come back to this.


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Week 3 “GOTW” Prediction – EGE vs Salamanders

This week our featured game is Elm Grove Elite vs the Salamanders. One team on the cusp of greatness, another in utter despair. This game can surely go only one way, can’t it?

Elm Grove Elite predicted lineup

Elm Grove Elite Prediction.png

No words are required to describe Zlatan. Whilst the majority of managers were fearful on auction day about his ability to settle into the Premier League, Arun Sour Grapes Hall showed the true size of his balls by pulling off what could be the biggest and best buy of the season. Zlatan is set to dominate Fantrax this year. The 6 points predicted here for Zlatan could just as easily be 26.

Midfield and defence will likely bring solid if unspectactular points, but when you have Zlatan that will often suffice. It will be interesting to see how far forward joint-Fantrax record signing Pogba will get when Man United come up against Hull. However, Heaton is unlikely to bring much to the table, with a tough away trip to Chelsea for Burnley.

Predicted Elm Grove score: 34

Salamanders predicted lineup

Salamanders Prediction

Andrew Salvidge, the true loose cannon of Fantrax years gone by, has put together one of the most bizarre squads in modern day football history. World class quality is sprinkled with tiny piles of shit everywhere you look. De Bruyne and Alli could be points machines, but Hojbjerg (who?) and Ramadan (who?) are likely to provide very little.

The striker situation is laughable. Charlie Austin has played a total of 2 minutes thus far this season and that trend is likely to continue. The likely route of victory for the Salamanders this week is through a defensive masterclass. Providing Bailly plays (not guaranteed by any means) then a clean sheet is certainly on the cards, but I’m currently struggling to see Everton, Liverpool or Palace keeping a clean sheet. Andrew Salvidge’s long-lost love Scott Dann will need to bring his A-game if the Salamanders are to “salvidge” anything from Game Week 3.

Predicted Salamanders score: 30

Predicted final score: Elm Grove 34 – 30 Salamanders

Whilst this would still be a season-best score for the Salamanders, the Elite will be very disappointed if they fail to take the 3 points from this one.