The league can now announce that the owners of Team Fisher8080 have sold the club to an individual investor. Mr Matthew Rhys Devereux-Cole, resident of North London, has purchased the club for a sum of £25. Mr Devereux-Cole made his fortune in the hospitality industry, and we are delighted that he has decided to invest these riches into Fantrax.
This, of course, is not Devereux-Cole’s first venture into Auction-based Fantasy Football. He previously hosted several managers for the Euro 2016 Auction at his John Salt establishment, and has held the Assistant Manager position at Peperami Barmy Army for the past 6 months. To leave the comparative security of a No.2 role at the League Champions to take over as No.1 at a struggling Arse Award contender is a bold move, but the ambition is commendable.
This announcement follows an extreme vetting process through the League’s Fit & Proper Person Test, which must be undertaken by all new owners. The first application was rejected, as Devereux-Cole failed the clause which states “they have power or influence over another League club”. The League demanded that Devereux-Cole resign from all interests in Peperami Barmy Army, and this demand was obliged through the following document.
On the second application from Devereux-Cole, the committee expressed concern that Devereux-Cole was previously the Director of the club formerly known as Mattchester United / Colechester United, which went into liquidation under his stewardship in 2007. Whilst this highlights a failure in understanding how to run a football club, league regulations state that the application can only be refused if a director presided over two unconnected events of insolvency. Combining this with the undoubted boost this appointment will give to the local Pizza industry, the committee were happy to approve the application.
The following statement was received from Devereux-Cole’s PR Department:
Hi Commish, Char here, because Matt’s so big time now he runs his own club he has decided to hire me as his PR machine (whatever that means)…I say ‘hire’, but salary hasn’t been discussed yet *yawn*. Anyway Matt emailed me over his statement and asked me to send it over after sense (idiot) checking it. See below:
‘After 2 long seasons of listening to jibber jabber through our Party WhatsApp group I am delighted to finally be managing my own team, even if the associated animal is the worst out of all the clubs with animal associations- The FISH. Mr. Fisher built a strong team at the auction, some managers even voted his team the best I think, however, lack of attention has left the club in tatters, free falling through the league. Thankfully Clements and Clements stepped in and Matt convinced Mr. Fisher to sell the club for a reasonable price whilst Lewis handled the movement of the sum paid (whilst taking a tidy fee) to spend at his leisure, maybe they should stop selling Argon Oil, and switch careers to convincing people to sell their souls to the Devil, as I certainly intend on living up to that name… My plans for Team Fisher8080 are summarised in the fish bait emoji- . I plan on shaking shit up for the rest of the season by making bold moves, to fix out short term problems as time is not on our side. Although I always plan to give a nod to Ian Fishers team, by next season we will almost be unrecognisable. My soul aim is to avoid the Arse Trophy this season and start next season a fresh. Thank you to all the managers who voted me into the league and all the managers who have been trying to find ways of bringing me in for last 6 months, mostly Mr. Hall and Commish and then Mr. Hamlin and the Twins for helping me over the line, and of course Mr. Peperami for brining me into the game over the first half of the season. Fuck you Mills, see you week 25. Enough Jigger Jabber. FC Fishbait 8080 look forward to competing against you all throughout the season.
The PR officer added that she is sure you’ll hear from her throughout the season after all the PR blunders Matt will obviously make.
In addition, the League would like to place on record its thanks to outgoing manager Mr Ian Fisher for his involvement over the past two and a half years. Fisher gained a reputation as a fantastic auctioner, but unfortunately could not back this up with consistent league play.
Fisher gave the following statement on his departure:
“Regrettably, my time at Team Fisher8080 has come to an end. After a poor string of results, the owners felt it necessary to change the direction of the Club and bring in a new influential manager. I know the owners have been very keen on bringing in some young blood into the role and Mr Devereux will undoubtedly excel in this position. I wish him and the Club all the best for the future.”
These changes are effective immediately.
Your friendly Commish.