Looks who’s back, back again, Milner’s back, tell a friend, Milner’s back, Milner’s back, Milner’s back, Milner’s back, Milner’s back, Milner’s back, nanananananana. Part 3 of 4 commences below, and BJ Milner is delighted to be here again, although he appears to have been eating quite a lot since we last saw him 6 days ago. Matthew Clements is reported to have lent him his top of the range £10 BMI weighing scales to help him get back to the Boring James we all know and love.
The Hammerheads – Rating 4/10
Players in: Simone Zaza (61.5m), Lamine Kone (1.5m), Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (0.5m), Steven Defour (free)
I hate to say it, but I just don’t think this was a very good transfer window for the ‘Heads. Zaza for 61.5m looks pricey, but a striker was desperately needed on deadline day so Hamlin will most likely be happy. However, once West Ham have Ayew, Carroll and maybe even Sakho (??) back there’s the issue of game time for Zaza, especially if he doesn’t settle into life quickly in the Premier League. A big gamble in my eyes from Hamlin, and hopefully it pays off for the Hammerheads.
The transfer strategy of the manager has also come under the spotlight – Hamlin currently has 7 midfielders in his squad, adding both Oxlade-Chamberlain and Defour in the summer transfer window, suggesting that The Hammerheads will line up with 5 in midfield for the majority of games this season. Nolito and Silva are the clear match-winners in the side, and Hamlin will hope Man City can keep up their free-scoring start to the season. The issue of game time is prevalent again – it will be interesting to see how many more games Conte has to leave Fabregas on the bench for Hamlin to drop him, whilst Oxlade-Chamberlain is unlikely to start many games for the Gunners.
In defence, the transfer of Kone for Shawcross, in hindsight, looks like an average move. However, it’s not all doom and gloom for the Hammerheads at the back – Bertrand is due to come back from injury soon and Courtois looks to be one of the early contenders for top scoring keeper this season. If Hamlin uses his remaining 36.5m wisely there’s still a chance he can add to his already-impressive Fantrax trophy haul.
Fat Boring James Milner’s view: “I just asked Hamlin if he realises he has 7 midfielders in his squad. He said now’s not the time James. I said sorry just trying to get a reaction.”
Peperami Barmy Army – Rating 5/10
Players in: Borja Baston (40m), Marc Albrighton (10m), Roberto Pereyra (7.5m), Leroy Fer (2.5m), Jay Rodriguez (free), Simon Mignolet (free)
Daniel Bridle and assistant Matthew Devereux-Cole have had a reasonably fruitful summer window. After Devereux-Cole’s best attempts to provide Bridle without a midfield for the start of the season, it appears as though this has been largely rectified with the signings of Albrighton, Pereyra, Fer and Rodriguez. Pereyra and Fer currently look the most likely to bring in points, with game time a major worry for Rodriguez, and to a lesser extent Albrighton. The lack of true match winners in midfield will still be a concern for the duo, especially when the vast majority of teams will be hoping to utilise playing 5 in midfield this season.
With Wilson yet to find the net this season, Bridle and Cole will be hoping major signing Borja forms a deadly partnership with Sergio “FUCKING SEND HIM” Aguero up front. Defence looks strong for Barmy, although the goalkeeper situation will possibly need to be evaluated at some point in the future once Karius takes up the number 1 spot at Liverpool as expected.
The biggest surprise of this window for Peperami is that, for an assistant manager who despises “wasteage” as much as MDC (simply ask any staff member who’s worked under him at one of his fine beverage outlets), a gaping 10m has been thrown away on the likes of Mignolet (now resigned for free), Tore and Adomah. Out of character for the management team to say the least.
Fat Boring James Milner’s view: “I told Sergio he scored 21 goals last season. He said Did I? I wasn’t counting. I said No only joking it was 22. It was so funny.”
The Groovy Penguins – Rating 3/10
Players in: Simon Francis (free), Connor Wickham (free), Matthew Lowton (free), Victoria Wanyama (free)
Has there ever been a more unfortunate transfer window for a manager? There are multiple sources reporting that the remaining 100m in the Penguins’ bank account is being used to fund a Hollywood thriller to document the tragic events over the last few weeks for manager Dick Mills.
The list of failed bids is endless as Penguins fans mourn all over the world:
Of the players that did arrive in the Antarctic, Wickham and Wanyama will be Mills’ biggest hopes of point scorers through the season. With the injury of Remy, the likelihood of Wickham getting on the field for Palace has increased, and if Wanyama keeps his place in the Spurs team there’s the possibility of a few assists. However, on the whole this has been a desperately disappointing transfer window for the Black n’ Whites – Matthew Lowton doesn’t even have a page on Wikipedia and Simon Francis is, quite frankly, shit.
Fat Boring James Milner’s view: “I told Dick I’d get him some world-class talent to help bolster his squad. The conversation didn’t go as well as I hoped – I tried to start with a bit of classic J Milner Banter which for some reason didn’t seem to work”. Fat Boring James then proceeded to show us the text exchange he had with this world-class talent, which can be seen below:
The Penguins will be hoping to use some of the profits from the upcoming movie to purchase some world class talent which hopefully becomes available during January.
That’s all for Part 3. We’ll be back shortly with the final instalment in the series where we invite another very special guest to Commish HQ, as well as the final “transfer window league table” for your viewing pleasure. #FTID