Summer Transfer Window – Each Teams Transfer Dealings Rated (Part 2/4)

And we are finally, after a whole two days, back. After an impatient fans group spearheaded by Daniel Bridle and Graeme Terrar started lobbying UK political leaders for more up-to-date content at Commish HQ, we have invested enormous amounts of resources to ensure the readers aren’t let down again. A large portion of these resources have been put towards securing the services of our second special guest for this edition. And I can confirm that this is none other than the legend that is…………..GARTH “MIKE DEAN IS A GOOD REFEREE BUT HAS ONE FLAW” CROOKS.

Garth Crooks
Garth at Commish HQ waiting for his interview

Clem’s Lems – Rating 5/10

Players in: Shkodran Mustafi (72m), Christian Stuani (15m), Juan Mata (5m), Etienne Capoue (free)

The vast majority of the 5 marks here are solely due to the signing of Mustafi. The Lems got their star man for a whopping 72m on deadline day. This brings the Lems’s defence right up there with the best in the league with a back four of Bellerin, Blind, Mustafi and Williams. Assuming Mata will be consigned to life on the bench once Mkhitiahtihaihtiharyn finally gets the nod from Mourinho, the rest of Clemo’s arrivals are uninspiring to say the least. Stuani has already scored his 2 goals this season, whilst Capoue just brings a sigh of nothingness to my thoughts as I read his name. In short, neither are likely to be big points scorers this season.

This is further compounded by the extremely questionable decision to bring in Fernandinho for 8m, only to then even more questionably drop him a week later for Capoue. Clemo needs to hope Arsenal and Man United keep clean sheets every week for the rest of the season to avoid languishing in mid table for the duration of the year.

Whilst Dion Dublin discusses a tackle with some mystery lady, Garth tells us what he thinks about Clemo’s decision to sign Stuani for 15m:

Matt Clements.jpg
Matt Clements turning up to training to greet Mustafi for the first time

Team Fisher8080 – Rating 0/10

Players in:


Confirmed reports have come in that Ian Fisher did not have enough time over the 25 day period from 6 August 2016 to 31 August 2016 to make any bids. Instead we’ve made a list of everything Ian Fisher has had time to do over the period:

  • Started doing 22 press ups a day
  • Been to watch the community shield
  • Been to watch Cardiff Devils play

As you can see it’s now perfectly understandable why Ian didn’t have time to make any bids. The only positive for the Fisher faithful is that they’ve actually already got quite a good, balanced team, with potential point scorers all over the field. There has been a relative amount of luck  with Benteke and Stones moving to pastures new, but the auction can certainly be considered a success for Fisher. The only drawback? Fisher has 2 keepers on his books, both of whom are currently sidelined. I hope you will join me in praying that Ian can find some time to put some transfer requests in to solve this mini crisis.

Garth ran out the studio crying once he’d heard the news of Fisher’s lack of signings so unfortunately we couldn’t get a recording of his views on Fisher8080’s busy schedule.

Elm Grove Elite – Rating 7/10

Players in: Paul Pogba (100m), Artur Boruc (free), Bruno Martins Indi (free), Adam Smith (free), Diumerci Mbokani (free), Jeff Hendrick (free), Ben Mee (free)

Hall has had a clear out since auction day, changing almost half of his squad since 6 August. The big news story is obviously the capture of Paul Pogba for a record-equalling 100m. Despite the myriad of snide remarks from fellow managers directed at Hall for this signing, it’s difficult to argue with when the vast majority all attempted to do the same. Martins Indi on a free is good business, but the lack of options in defence remains a worry, with Adam Smith (not to be confused with the reasonably shit five a side team or the great economist) and Ben Mee not likely to provide game-winning points as the season progresses. Boruc, despite his superb display against Cystal Palace in game week 3, is unlikely to keep too many clean sheets this season.

The logic behind the Mbokani signing makes sense (as cover for Hernandezza Borrill), but a long-term Zlatan injury could single-handedly destroy the Elite’s season. Midfield looks strong, and Hall will be hoping that Hendrick can chip in with a few points throughout the season. Overall, a reasonably successful transfer window for Elm Grove.

When we asked Garth what he thought about Arun (aka Brendan Rogers to his close friends) and his transfer philosophy he was unusually concise:

Arun Hall
The Gaff initiating his new signings with his trademark “Gaff Glasses”

Lewey’s Legends – Rating 5/10

Players in: Lucas Perez (50m), Marcus Alonso (25m), Gaston Ramirez (free), Mousa Dembele (free)

The Legend’s transfer window was comfortably the most difficult to assess out of all the teams in the division, purely due to the uncertainty of whether players will get game time. If Perez and Alonso were both guaranteed to start regularly this would have easily received a 9/10, but unfortunately for Larry The Ledge it’s entirely plausible that this will not be the case.

Fortunately for the Legends, the defence is already looking strong with every manager who comes up against them shitting their pants hoping United’s opponents fuck em right in the ass pipe. The midfield still looks short of firepower to me with an over reliance on Oscar and a severe lack of options on the bench. However, if Perez is in Wenger’s first team plans, Negredo keeps up his early season form and Musa can get on the pitch (less likely with the arrival of Slimani), then the Legends could have an extremely respectable strike force. Good luck to Larry, he deserves it.

We asked Garth to do an impression of his reaction for Perez’s first goal for Arsenal when it happens, and this is what he came up with:

Lewis Clements
Larry has held this pose for 4 days straight following the arrivals of Perez and Alonso

That’s all for part 2. Please join us for part 3 over the next few days, where we welcome back Boring James Milner to provide us with his unrivalled insight into this frantic Fantrax transfer window.


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